you

The first time I watched the film I wasn’t that touched. I didn’t even really cried… Maybe I was too focused on finding us in them. That focused I didn’t feel the movie for real…

Today it has been different. In fact, totally and utterly different. I knew what I was going to watch. I knew what I had felt. I knew that I was going to be alright. So I sat there, in the thousands times shared cinema chair, waiting for the movie to start, not having any expectation from it.

And it was everything alright until that part where they start to develop into each other, when they start to be part of their lives, when they find joy in the other. I like how she’s something fresh in his life, being starving to know about the world and being really amazed by its rareness. I like to think of the L. from the past like that, being alive, wanting to be alive and making other people believe all that. And the good thing is I know that the person I was back then was like that. I think there is nothing left from her in me anymore. It’s strange realizing you are unable to feel yourself or what you thought you were.

That’s why that exact moment of the film has been that important: I have felt exactly as I felt more than one year months ago. I have felt that need I had for you,

for making my feelings touchable,

to look at the image of you and be part of it just by being by your side.

And the unstoppable tears boomed in my eyes as much as my chest begged for space, and I felt you there, just the way you made me feel, just the way I felt, just as happy and as addicted as I was, and I couldn’t see anything anymore with my blurry eyes and I appreciated that the director decided to leave the screen black, as if he knew that what I needed at that exact moment was to feel the memory of us and didn’t need any other sensorial incentive to make that moment any more real.

I felt us. And it wasn’t a ‘I want him back’ feeling. It wasn’t even nostalgic. I was feeling it in that exact moment, not being a past emotion, not being a desirable sensation.

I just… felt us.

Or I felt myself feeling you.

Maybe there is a difference. I left my body and mind so that the Now-L. was observing the Past-L. from above, but it was disturbing because both of them (of me) had the need of you, and both had after that an absence hole that wasn’t past or present, 

but eternal.

After that I stopped crying eventually and watched the film with that uncomfortable sensation on my eyes that only tears leave and maybe, that itchy feeling is still playing right behind my breasts.

Nice to feel you.